Capsaicin and a Comedy of Errors...

Error #1: I own a laptop with an inefficient cooling system. Just put that in your back pocket for now.

Now then. Let me tell you a story…

Once upon a time, I was never much a fan of spicy food, but writing my quirky eShort, His Pepper Heart, forced that to change. I had to take my palate places it had never been in order to write well, and accurately, about the joy and pain of peppers.

I learned all kinds of things–what a rocoto bloom looks like, for instance, and what sort of tapas you might enjoy in Galicia, Spain. Not everything came firsthand, of course, but the truth about capsaicin certainly did.

Capsaicin, as you may know, is the chemical component that causes the burning sensation when you consume hot peppers. Some people like it. Some people don’t. Okay either way, but if you cook with peppers, you know that it’s highly recommended that you wear gloves to protect your hands when chopping them.

Error #2: “I’ll just be very careful,” I thought.

Only I wasn’t, because “very careful” would’ve meant that I heeded the sage’s warning and donned the stupid gloves, or at least stuck my hands inside plastic sandwich baggies and fumbled my way through, since I probably did not have any kitchen gloves, um, handy.

Error #2.5 Unrepentant punning.

So I chopped jalapenos with my bare hands, which then I washed with soap and water. I’m a bit of a hand-washer anyway.

Error #3: However, I failed to realize that capsaicin is not water-soluble.

In other words, water doesn’t wash it away. That’s why glugging ice water doesn’t help much after a basket of five-alarm hotwings.

But anyway. After I turned on the heat to whatever I made with the jalapenos, I headed downstairs to do some writing until dinner. (I once had a nightmare about setting my laptop on fire by leaving it on the stovetop, which I interpreted to mean that I should stop trying to write while I cook, but that’s another story.)

Error #4: So there I was, pounding away at the ol’ keyboard, thinking, “Wow… this computer’s getting really hot!”

Oh so gradually, I came to realize that while my computer was hot, my fingertips were hotter. Uncomfortably hot. Getting hotter by the minute. Ow-ee-yow-wah. Hashtag: HOT.

And I knew what I had done. Feeling foolish, I searched the Internet for remedies, and came up with… mayonnaise. So I grabbed a little bowl, globbed some mayonnaise in there, and then got back to work. I don’t know what was so all-fire important, but I do know I really did sit there in my office and try to work with my fingers resting in a bowl of mayonnaise.

It helped. Thank the Lord for sweet mayonnaisey relief.

We ate dinner, I finished whatever I was working on, and I ended the day with a lesson learned about using gloves to chop hot peppers.

Error #5: And I figured that was the end of it.

Error #6: The next day, I sat down at the caliente computer again.

Because, you know, “A writer is someone who has written today” (J. A. Jance). Or at least, someone who Tweets about writing a lot between “brainstorming sessions”/Mahjong-playing binges.

Either way, that day I was definitely typing diligently. And the burn returned. Quickly. My response made for a fine bit of dialogue, so let me just share that with you: “What!? Why? Noooo!”

Error #7: You see, even though I had removed the capsaicin from my fingertips, I left traces behind on the home row.

Side note: I feel like this should be a key plot point in one of those foodie cozy mysteries. “Brandy, in the office, with the capsaicin-tainted keyboard!”

I already knew what I had to do, which was how I ended up sitting at my desk with my mayonnaise finger bowl for the second time in a twelve hour period . . . but not before I dampened a paper towel with olive oil and used that to clean my keyboard.

Disclaimer: I am definitely not telling you that using olive oil on your electronics is a good idea. Not a protip. Not a lifehack. Don’t try it at home. Or at work. Or in the rain, on a train, or with green eggs and ham, Sam-I-Am.

It did the trick, but still. Just don’t.

Then again, if you keep the capsaicin away from your keyboard, it probably won’t be an issue.

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My snack-sized eShort, His Pepper Heart, is available for Kindle on Amazon. It costs less than a coffee and contains no artificial sweeteners!

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(Banner photo credit: © Anjo Kan | Dreamstime.com. This post originally appeared February 23, 2016 as a Facebook note.)

Brandy Heineman